An article by Revd Will Gibbs
We have been shocked by the tragic death of Sarah Everard and there is now a helpful and important conversation about women, and indeed all people in society, both feeling safe and being safe.
It was interesting to note that in the reporting of Sarah’s shocking death, much of it written by those who would consider themselves enlightened, liberal voices championing this cause for women’s rights, equality and safety, much of the language used was still that of ‘victim’ (as if she was somehow weaker) and other unhelpful gender stereotypes.
We must, as a society, do better and rather than shy away from these difficult topics and tricky conversations, we need to move towards these challenges and look at the areas of gender, aggression – both verbal and physical aggression, power dynamics and consent.
I am grateful to have been made aware of a very helpful piece from the American Scout and Guide Association (hence the American spellings!). This could be very helpful for parents, but also any who are Grandparents, as well as for any of us who want to reflect on the unconscious way that we may be colluding with the problem:
“Sexist language that belittles or objectifies women is everywhere right now – you can’t turn on a TV or even sit at a coffee shop without hearing people discussing it. And although it’s a very adult topic, your kids are listening, watching how you respond, and taking it all in.
They’re also having their own conversations about it with their peers. As with any sensitive topic, parents can and should tackle the subject with their kids directly. But how can you do this in an age-appropriate and helpful way?
These types of offensive speech and behavior (often subtle and sometimes even unintentional) start all too early. If you’ve ever told your girl, “Oh, honey, he’s only teasing you because he likes you,” or if you heard a similar sentiment in your own youth, you’ve experienced how our culture often gives boys, from the youngest ages, a free pass when it comes to bad behavior toward girls.
And in terms of hard numbers, a 2015 survey found that more than 1 in 10 American girls experience catcalls or general street harassment before the age of 11. So while you may consider this subject far removed from your girl’s life, it is a lot closer than you think.
When girls witness these attitudes and behavior being written off as normal, there are serious and lasting consequences. Without even realizing it, they start focusing more time on how they look than exploring how they think or what they can do. The clothing they gravitate toward, even when very young, may emphasize sexuality more than comfort or individual expression. Girls may mistreat their bodies in order to attain the physique deemed most desirable by our culture.
Most devastating of all, aggressive and belittling language creates an environment in which girls are less likely to speak up and share their ideas, less likely to think they’re qualified for powerful jobs, and less likely to report instances of sexual harassment or violence. (Seventy-one percent of workplace sexual harassment goes unreported, as do 74 percent of sexual assaults.) Often girls and women worry they are in part to blame, or don’t want to look like they’re “attention seeking” or “making a big deal over nothing.”
And it’s not just girls who suffer from this kind of language – boys do, too. When they hear speech that objectifies, belittles, or normalizes violence against women and girls, they’re at risk of growing up with a warped sense of masculinity – one devoid of empathy, compassion, or respect for half of society. And that’s a gender stereotype that isn’t good or healthy for anyone.
Indeed, when boys are taught they have to be “tough,” and when sexist language is seen as acceptable both behind closed doors and on the street, for instance, in the form of catcalling, boys can feel pressure to emulate a distorted model of manhood.
That means they can also have trouble learning how to cope with the very real emotional challenges life throws their way and are less likely to be able to process their feelings in a healthy way for fear of being seen as “weak.” And children (of all genders) who have been raised without the capability to acknowledge uncomfortable feelings or to cope with life’s many hurdles can turn to destruction, violence, and violation as ways to work out their frustration, hurt, and anger.
This kind of damaging talk not only teaches boys that it’s acceptable to treat girls and women with less respect than their male peers, but it also raises girls to believe that their bodies are literally up for grabs – that their appearance is the most valuable asset they have – and that their voices don’t matter.
Beyond that, it also confuses boys and gives a bad name to men, most of whom do have a great deal of respect for girls and women.
Having these conversations with your children is essential because we can and must do better – for our girls, for our boys, for all of us. Here are a few ways you can tackle the topic and give your children the skills to stand up against sexist, objectifying language and behavior.
1. Check yourself
Watch what kind of subtle verbal and non-verbal messages you might be sending your children about women and their value.
Do you pick apart the appearances of the girls and women in your life? Do you criticize the bodies of celebrities, or make assumptions about them based on how they dress – focusing on their looks more than their ideas, talents, or abilities? Do the magazines in your living room say empowering things about women, or are they objectifying?
Your children – girls and boys – are taking this all in, so make sure you’re not unknowingly perpetuating the problem.
2. Lead by example
It will be easier for your children to identify and address unacceptable language and actions directly if you model it for them. Sadly, it won’t be hard to find examples of these types of speech and actions in real life, on TV, or in movies you watch as a family.
When you do hear something sexist, belittling, or objectifying, ask your children if they heard it as well, and whether or not they thought it was OK. If they don’t have much to say, take the opportunity to explain to them why you don’t consider the language accurate, fair, or acceptable.
3. Give your children a script
It can be hard for a child (and even an adult) to be the one who speaks up against hurtful, offensive language – so walking your children through a few things they can say or do when they find themselves in these situations is really important.
First off, make sure they know that even if everyone else is laughing at an inappropriate comment or joke, they don’t have to. This isn’t about being polite, it’s about standing up for what’s right.
If your child feels comfortable and safe enough to speak out against offensive things being said, he or she might try, “What made you say that?” or even “You don’t really mean you think all girls [fill in the blank] or that you can treat people like that, right?” Either of those questions will make the speaker at least think about what they’ve said and its implications while also letting them know what they’ve said isn’t OK with everyone in the room.
And then of course, there’s always the direct approach: “I don’t think that’s true,” or “Maybe you were joking, but saying stuff like that isn’t cool.” Similarly if a girl is trying to speak and boys keep trying to interrupt her, your child might say, “I want to hear what she says. You can share your ideas when she’s finished.”
4. Support, support, support
It’s absolutely vital that you let your girls and boys know that being on the receiving end of unwanted comments or touching by anyone – be it a stranger, friend, family member, or someone in a position of power, like a coach or a teacher – is never OK and never their fault or something they should feel ashamed of.
Make sure your children know that sexist bullying, catcalls and other upsetting sexualized speech are always unacceptable, and that all people have the right to live in this world free of harassment or intimidation, regardless of what they’re wearing, where they are, or who they’re with.
Tell your children to come to you or another trusted adult if they’re experiencing taunts, teasing, or touching that doesn’t feel right. They’re not in this alone.
Having these conversations with our children and calling out behavior that objectifies women can sometimes be uncomfortable – for men and women.
Facing that bit of discomfort is worth it, because we all have a responsibility to raise boys and girls who treat every person with equal respect and dignity.”
St Mary's Church, Redbourn 